Breakfast with Gloria
Why we need to have a feminist conversation about masculinity.
Since my book came out, I’ve had some unforgettable moments—but getting to sit down with my childhood hero, Gloria Steinem, is at the very top of the list! Gloria’s house has long served as a gathering place for thinkers and change makers, and she’s continuing that tradition now. One of her fellows, podcast host Danielle Robay, and my book-blurber-turned-friend Eve Rodsky of Fair Play Policy Institute convened an A-list crowd of therapists, divorce attorneys, actors, academics, and comedians to talk about what feminism has to say about masculinity.
Eve kicked off by sharing her own experience with masculinity that didn’t make space for caregiving, that didn’t understand that buying groceries and picking out gifts was living and that care was essential to our humanity. She asked me to share my research saying that this imbalance at home is not just because women earned less—in fact women who were primary breadwinners still carried the lion’s share of the home load. That got things crackling, as a group that included many high-powered women—Amy Schumer, Kandi Burress, Emmy Rossum, and Dany Garcia (formerly married to The Rock)—jumped in to talk about their experiences “winning the bread and baking it, too.” About how no amount of professional success insulated a woman from being expected to be the mastermind of the home, the creator of magic, the CEO of lunchboxes.
The men pushed back. Wasn’t this event supposed to be a love letter to men? Where was the understanding? Where was the acknowledgment that sometimes men try to help, but they’re just not doing it right? Shouldn’t we be listening to men more about how hard this all is?
But this is where I take issue with the Scott Galloways of the world. I acknowledge that men are hurting. I acknowledge that it feels impossible to raise boys in the world right now. I acknowledge that we need better male role models, and that we shouldn’t demonize masculinity, but rather find positive approaches to it.
But I think that any conversation about a new masculinity that actually works for the world has to start where this one did—with listening to women. Men are hurting because of loneliness. They’re angry because the things they say they want—marriage and family—increasingly feel out of reach. And if that is what they need to be happy, then the truth is, they need women. They need to understand how to be good partners. How “providing” for the household can mean supporting your wife who earns more money, and protecting her time to invest in her career. How masculinity can mean finding joy in teaching your children things, in playing monster, and that dads aren’t just “pretending to like it” as Scott Galloway said (ugh).
Some of the researchers at the breakfast studying masculinity shared how caring for babies brings out incredible tenderness, even in gang-affiliated youth and other boys and men we label as “tough” and “hardened.”
To find a better way forward for boys and men, I think recentering the discussion on them is in many ways counterproductive. Because the reality is, we’re in this together. And the men who want to find new ways to show up as partners and dads will always be welcome at any table, even Gloria’s.
Updates
If you haven’t yet gotten your copy of Having It All, now’s a great time, because it’s been selected for a special e-book sale, this week only! You can get it for just $2.99 from any e-book retailer, through March 8!
I’m in Seattle tomorrow! 6pm at University of Washington. It’s a Wharton alumni club event, but open to all. Tell your friends!
New podcasts:
Thanks for reading Femonomics!
Corinne Low is an author, economist, and professor. She teaches at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania. Her first book, Having It All: What Data Tells Us About Women’s Lives and Getting the Most Out of Yours, is out now from Flatiron! Visit Corinne’s website, book a talk, or write to us.
I’m excited for the sale, unfortunately it comes after I think all my work book club peeps already bought their copies. 🤣
We have 32 people signed up!!!