Weaponized Indifference

How “I don’t care” can start to sound like nails on a chalkboard

This is a quick one because I’m on a book tour! But I’ve been toying with a new phrase lately that I’ll try out on you: weaponized indifference, the new weaponized incompetence. Because, while I still hear stories from my friends of their husbands doing something aggressively (or, rather, passive-aggressively) badly, I’ve more and more noticed stories of this nature:

“My husband says that if I’m feeling stressed for time, I should just let the nanny get the kids ready in the morning. And put them to bed. Whereas I think children should actually see their parents twice a day!”

“When I tell my husband I feel overwhelmed, or we have a fight about him not doing enough, he tells me, ‘Don’t do all this stuff for the kids if you’re going to get angry about it. It’s your choice to do it!’”

“I’m the one who cares if we eat healthy, so I put a lot more time into meal planning and prep.”

“If I told my husband to pack the kids’ lunches, he’d get takeout for them—all three of them—every day. Whereas I think that’s not great from a health or budget perspective, so I’d rather take the time to pack them.”

Or a story from my former married life: “My husband doesn’t care what the house looks like, so I find myself doing all the upkeep. It’s exhausting to know that if any aspect of our life is going to improve, I’m going to be the one to do it.”

This is what I call weaponized indifference—it’s where the work of the household gets shifted to women because we care more about it, and then men get to reap the benefits of our caring. The reason it’s “weaponized” is that if we apply some game theory, even if he derives value from a task being done at the level we do them (likes his kids being attentively raised by you, the healthy food for everyone, and his house nicely decorated) if he has a slightly higher “pain tolerance” in these areas than you, he can wait you out and reap the benefits without the work. So it’s not true indifference, and I think that’s why we see that divorced men increase their time on housework—when no one else is around to do it, the benefit of a clean house outweighs the cost of cleaning it themselves.

But, it’s even just the everyday exhaustion of: “I don’t care where we eat. I don’t care what pillows we put on the couch. I don’t care what we do this weekend.” That seeming agreeableness masks work for the person who then takes on the planning. Caring about something and work go hand in hand.

This is why one of the most revelatory parts of my relationship with Sondra was being with someone who had preferences about the house and about the kids. She would say, “I want us to be able to sit in the backyard more. I’m going to get a weed whacker and clean it up, and then let’s look at some patio furniture together.” Or: “Hey, I think K could use some new shoes for soccer—those ones don’t fit quite right. I’m going to take him shopping next weekend.” So, if you’re not in a partnership yet, I think a huge green flag is someone who has preferences! Someone who says, “This is how I’d like to parent versus how I was raised.” Or “I’ve always wanted a house that looks like…” Or “I love throwing get-togethers with friends and planning a cool theme menu.” And, all the better if those preferences are similar, especially around how much to invest in certain areas. Because, if there’s disagreement in what the work of running a household is, there’s no way to divide it up “fairly.” The other person will claim you can get rid of the balls you’re juggling by simply dropping them. In economics terms, part of the surplus of marriage comes from preference alignment. Less alignment, smaller surplus, more fights.

If you’re already in a relationship, and weaponized indifference is killing your soul, maybe it’s time to call it out. To say: Your lack of caring is shifting work onto me! You don’t get to not care about everything that goes into creating our lives! You have to pick some areas to care about and take ownership of! Have you seen “weaponized indifference” in action? How do you solve it?

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Updates

• Leave a review of Having It All and receive a free tote bag! To celebrate the book’s release, we’re doing a promotion: The first ten people to leave a review (on Amazon, Goodreads, or wherever you purchased the book) and send us a screenshot will receive one of our Having It Almost tote bags! Email your review screenshots and mailing address to info@corinnelow.com to claim your tote!

  

• Thank you for making Having It All the #1 Amazon new release for women in business! If you haven’t gotten your copy yet, Amazon has it on sale for 30% off!

  

  (Also peep The Double Tax on that list, a great new book on how women of color are overlooked and underpaid by economist Anna Gifty Opoku-Agyeman!)

• If you’re in Philly, come by Barnes and Noble at 6pm tonight! I’ll be speaking about the book and signing copies. I’d love to see you there! You can sign up here.
  
  Next week for the book tour, I’ll be in Santa Monica (Monday) and Boston (Wednesday)! The week after, catch me in London!

  

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New Media

Articles & TV

• This week for the Guardian, I shared more insights from Having It All about how to find better deals for yourself!

• This Forbes article on my book discusses the impossibility of striving for ‘having it all’ and reassures you that you’re not alone!

• I was interviewed by The Times of London.

• I spoke about Having It All with Brandis Friedman on PBS WTTW Chicago—you can watch the full segment here!

  

• I also spoke about the book on CBS News Chicago last week:

• You can read my piece for Stylist about why it’s important from an economics perspective for you to ask your partner about laundry!

• Wharton Magazine shared strategies for women to succeed in their careers from Having It All.

Podcasts

You can hear more in-depth discussions about my research, Having It All, and the constraints we face at home and in the workplace from the podcasts below!

Events

• You can watch the recording from my conversation with Jessica Calarco for FAN last week here:

• I was in New York to record Totally Booked with Zibby:

• And celebrated the release of Having It All with Anna Louie Sussman at P&T Knitwear on publication day!

  

• I also spoke with Jessica Fulton at M.M.LaFleur in Washington D.C.:

  

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Thanks for reading the Femonomics Newsletter!

Corinne Low is an author, economist, and professor. She teaches at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania. Her first book, Having It All: What Data Tells Us About Women’s Lives and Getting the Most Out of Yours, is out now from Flatiron! Visit Corinne’s website, book a talk, or write to us.